Introduction
Published in Japan in 2013, The Courage To Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga draws on Alfred Adler’s psychology to help readers unlock their inner potential. In this article, we share an honest review of the book. Born in Kyoto, Ichiro Kishimi has studied Adlerian psychology since 1989 and works as an author, counselor, and translator. Fumitake Koga, born in 1973, is an award-winning Japanese writer.
Key points of the book
- The book spans five chapters over roughly 260 pages, featuring a dialogue between a youth and a philosopher on life, behavior, and personal growth.
- Past or Trauma does not exists: No experience, in and of itself, causes our success or failure. We do not suffer solely from the shock of our experiences, such as trauma; rather, we shape them into whatever suits our purpose. We are not determined by our experiences, but by the meaning we assign to them, which becomes self-determining. Life is not something handed to you by someone else – it’s something you choose for yourself, and you alone decide how you live.
- Unhappiness is chosen by you for yourself: At some point in your life, you chose to be unhappy. It wasn’t because you were born into unfortunate circumstances or found yourself in an unpleasant situation – it was because you decided that being unhappy served you in some way. Unhappiness cannot be blamed on your past or environment, nor is it a result of incompetence. What’s missing is courage; “the courage to be happy“. To embrace happiness, one must be willing to change their current way of living. Stop using the phrase “I could be or do this if only…..”, it’s just an excuse to avoid transformation. No matter what has happened up to this moment, it should have no influence over how you choose to live from now on. You, living in the present, are the one who determines your own life.
- Life is not a competition: It is enough to keep moving forward without competing with anyone and there is certainly no need to compare yourself to others. Each of us is unique; no two individuals are exactly the same. Others differ from us, yet we are all equal. When one becomes fixated on competition, victory, and defeat, feelings of inferiority inevitably emerge. But once freed from the framework of competition, the urge to triumph over others fades. You begin to feel genuine happiness, and you joyfully celebrate the success and happiness of others as well.
- Life -Lie & Separation of tasks: The act of creating various excuses to avoid life’s responsibilities is known as a ‘life-lie“. When someone claims they cannot complete a task due to X, Y, or Z circumstances, the truth is that they simply do not want to do it and X, Y, and Z are just convenient excuses. These are what we call life-lies. Each person should respect task boundaries: we ought to focus on our own responsibilities and avoid interfering with those of others. While it’s important to offer support when needed, we must not intrude upon someone’s personal space. Maintaining a healthy distance is vital. Just like reading a book; if you hold it too close, the words blur; too far, and you can’t read a thing. The key lies in a moderate distance. Relationships work the same way. Among a group of ten people, one will always criticize you no matter what you do. Two of them will accept you entirely, just as you accept them and you’ll likely become close friends. The remaining seven will fall somewhere in between.
- Recognition and Expectations: Do not seek recognition from others; instead, focus on doing good work consistently. The desire for recognition can be harmful. We often crave approval because of a reward-and-punishment mindset: “If no one is going to praise me, I won’t take appropriate action and If no one is going to punish me, I’ll engage in inappropriate actions too“. This yearning to be acknowledged leads to a life built around other people’s expectations those who want you to be a certain type of person. In the process, you abandon your true self and begin living someone else’s life. But we are not here to meet others’ expectations. It doesn’t matter if your efforts go unnoticed., Simply remind yourself “God is watching – accumulate good deeds“. The desire for recognition restricts your freedom.
- Freedom: What is freedom, and how can one achieve it to live a truly happy life? Freedom belongs to those who do not crave recognition and do not feel compelled to meet others’ expectations. It is only natural that when someone lets go of the desire for praise and chooses to live according to their own values, others may become uncomfortable. People may begin to dislike such a person simply because they refuse to conform to societal expectations. In essence, “freedom is being willing to be disliked“. This doesn’t mean we should intentionally offend others rather, it means we should act authentically, without being controlled by the need for recognition or approval. If living freely makes someone unhappy, then so be it. Don’t fear being disliked. That is the path to true freedom.
- Self acceptance-Confidence in others-Contribution to others: These are the key pillars of a fulfilling life. One should learn to happily accept the things that cannot be changed such as the family they were born into, their height, or complexion. It’s important to place trust in close relationships and friendships. While it’s possible that someone may take advantage of that trust, it is their choice to do so. Your responsibility lies in having faith in your relationships. By contributing to society, you will find a sense of worth that brings both confidence and motivation. Never act for the sake of praise or recognition, focus instead on making meaningful contributions to society.
- Life: “Life is a series of moments“. Though we often see life as a continuous line, if you zoom in, you’ll find that line is made up of countless dots, each representing a moment, and each moment standing for ‘NOW.’ A perfectly planned life is neither essential nor realistic, because such precision is impossible. Life is not a destination, but a dance lived in the present, spinning gently through each passing instant. Instead of obsessing over the destination, focus on living each moment fully. In doing so, you’ll likely arrive where you were meant to be.
- Greatest Life-Lie: Imagine a person standing at the center of a stage, with people in front and behind him both clearly visible. But the moment a bright spotlight shines on him, he can no longer see the front row nor those behind. This is life. The front represents our future, the back is our past, and the stage beneath his feet is the present. When we focus a spotlight on the present, the past and future fade from view. This is how we should live, illuminating the here and now, by doing what we can with sincerity and mindfulness. The greatest “life-lie” of all is failing to live in the present moment. We often gaze into the past and future, thinking we’ve grasped the whole of life but in reality, neither truly exists. Only the present is real. People spend their lives searching for a meaning or purpose of lie, and many never find it. Perhaps that’s because life doesn’t come with a fixed meaning. Its purpose may simply be to live fully in the present, find happiness, contribute to the world, accept ourselves, and not fear being disliked. When we do that, we arrive at our true purpose.
Conclusion
The Courage To Be Disliked is one of the best book on life. You will have absolutely new vision for your life. This is a must-read book for everyone. There are many other books like The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari, Vedanta, Man’s Search For Meaning and Ikigai. You could purchase this book on amazon.
Disclaimer: I express my own views in this article after reading the book, without intending to offend anyone. I do not sponsor or endorse anyone, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. The mentioned link is an affiliate link, and purchasing the book through it is a great way to support me if you’d like to read along!
EA00184
